Disclosing your trans status while dating

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“I want to start dating, but I’m worried about one thing: How do I disclose my Trans status?”

Many people ask that question to friends or to themselves almost on a daily basis. Once you’re comfortable with yourself inside and out, you start checking yourself out in the mirror more and more, and then you start thinking about the ladies*

*yes, this article will mostly focus on the guys who are looking into dating women, and that’s just because that’s my experience. I can’t give you advice on something I don’t know. But read anyways, and you might find something that clicks for you in more ways than just one ;)

So here we go… Ask yourself these questions…

  1. Why do you want to disclose?

I know this sounds like a silly question and you’re thinking “duh!” but you have to ask yourself that question before you even meet someone worth disclosing to. Is it because you’re scared of the rejection? Is it because you’re not comfortable with yourself? Is it for you? Is it for her? Simply answering this question will let you know if you’re even ready for dating. If your answer is based on fear or any negative emotion, then you have to work on yourself a little more by being more comfortable with yourself and more confident in your identity.

2.  When should you disclose?

A positive response to the question of “why do you want to disclose” would be the question “when” instead of “why”. Instead of coming up with reasons to disclose, because it’s obvious you will have to at some point, you should focus on getting to know her and getting her to know you as a person, your sense of humor, your interests, etc.; making sure she’s attracted to you on a romantic level, and THEN, tell her. This might be on the first date, or the 5th but don’t rush it because of fear. Fear is never a good emotion to have and you should push it away as much as possible.

Many guys make the mistake of telling her before they even meet the girl for the first date. Put yourself in her shoes for a second! If she’s never even heard the word trans*, you’ve overwhelmed the poor woman before she even gets the chance to decide if she likes you as a person or not. You shouldn’t be shocked if she rejects you…

You have to put it in a way that makes it seem like something to overcome BEYOND the strong attraction she already has for you. If she’s not attracted to you at all, it’s not even worth telling her because you being trans or not isn’t the issue here. She might even have trans friends or a trans brother and might be very open about it, or might have even dated a trans person in the past, but if she’s not attracted to you at all, she might just nicely tell you that you can just be friends. OUCH!

 

Well let’s talk about fear…

What if you’re scared? I always tell guys to put security before pride. If you fear that the girl is gonna call her 5 brothers and have you beat up, you should probably not tell her at her house while her brothers are outside barbecuing. You should be in a safe, public place. And also, always listen to your guts! That’s God’s way of talking to you. If you have a tight knot in your stomach, then maybe you’re not ready to go further.

All in all, I’d say that you need to tell her before you at least kiss her. Yes, kissing her will make her more attracted to you, but at least she won’t feel “betrayed” or “tricked” and she hasn’t “lost” anything.

Oh, and please don’t tell her when either one of you is drunk!!

3.  How should you disclose?

The best way to explain your trans status, only YOU know. Some of us see our trans status as a blessing, some as a curse, some as a birth defect/medical condition, some as a spiritual blessing. Whatever it is for you, find the most simple way to explain it without talking for 5 hours about it. Keep it simple, keep it short, and then… shut up. Listen to her reaction and her words before you get all defensive and try to add more. If she needs more clarification she will ask you.

Example:

You know, I really like you and I feel like we have a very strong chemistry already no matter where this goes. Do you agree? (YES). But before we go any further I think it’s important that I tell you something about me. (OMG WHAT!?) Well.. I was born with a condition. My brain and my spirit has always been male but genetically I was born (insert here: XX, intersex or whatever). Then be quiet.

 

Based on your own personality, you can use a serious tone, or add some humor to it… like “my birth certificate says I’m a female… :).” It will also depends on the girl’s personality and sense of humor, but you get it…

 

IT CAN ALSO make a big difference depending on her sexual orientation.

If she identifies as bi or queer, she might not think it’s a big deal after the initial “shock”. But you still need to make sure she sees you as a man. And not a man with a vagina; make sure that her reason behind being with you is not just because she’s been with women before. If you’ve been on T for a while, especially, we all know that it doesn’t look like it would look on her past lesbian partners.

If she’s straight and still wants to be with you then congratulations. You not only have a woman who loves you for you but is also very open minded to find out more “despite” the fact that you weren’t born with a bio-size penis.

But what if she’s not sure?

Give her time… and explain to her that you’re still a man and not a freak… you were just born in the wrong body and she can research about it more if she’d like. Don’t pressure her. The right woman will respect that. Maybe she’s not shocked because of the reasons you are thinking of. Maybe she has to deal with the fact that you will not be able to get her pregnant. And that’s okay; she has the right to think about that.

If she’s “disgusted” then you shouldn’t even bother be friends with her. You want a kind, open minded woman anyways and her intentions weren’t in the right place to begin with.

***

Whatever the outcome is, know that the world is full of ignorant people that we need to educate all the time, but it’s also full of loving people. Either way, you’ve helped one more person know that people like us exist, are real, and are awesome 🙂

Bon courage!

Neo